Mon. Dec 16th, 2019

The Balfour Institute of Esoteric Culture

The Internet is a dark and terrible place

Dasani, Coca-Cola’s bottle water brand, is today’s failure.

2 min read

Now obviously, the first failure is a bottled water product in any country with a functional water infrastructure, so most of the western hemisphere is pretty much included there. I could see the point, silly point but point nonetheless, with water drawn from an actual spring, those sometimes have cool shit in them, sometimes actual shit.

Mineral water and bottled water are just silly nonsense outside of areas with unsafe tap water, so okay in Flint, Michigan and Somalia, not in Denmark or Germany.

Why? WHY? WHY? NO!

But on to the actual failure of Dasani.

Dasani was introduced in 2004 in the UK with a degree of success more common to that of anything Chris Grayling has ever done. A total failure, a shambolic mess, omnishambles, disastrous, delightful fun for outside observes, less for everyone actually involved.

Dasani was advertised with the tagline “Pure”, which is at best misleading and at worst outright bloody fraud, the water was sourced from tap water from Sidcup, a neighborhood of London, which was filtered by mean of reverse osmosis and then RE-MINERALIZED.

They literally took perfectly drinkable water, made it undrinkable and then added a bunch of minerals to it, pure as fucking hell indeed.

Obviously, this was found out and Desani didn’t sell anywhere near as well as expected, which confused Chief Publicity Officer of Dasani Mr. Richard May (No relation), seeing as his position was basically that of an Iraqi Minister of Information, this shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone with half a neuron’s worth of activity upstairs.

It didn’t help when the health authorities found bromate in the fucking thing, turns out the ozone treatment they’d done converted the naturally occurring bromide, into a CARCONOGENIC compound, well done, no wonder it didn’t sell well.

I couldn’t find an example of the 2004 trophy, the fuckers change it every time.

So in 2004, the CocaCola Company won the Ig Noble prize in Chemistry, for doing just this.

They did a re-branding and re-launch in 2012 up to the Olympic Games in London, buying a local company and using Schweppes to hide it.

The lesson? Just drink fucking tap water you arse-clown.  

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